So, blogger pals Amy from Imaginary Men and Julie from TV Recappers Anonymous apparently had a wild vampire weekend together at EyeCon.
So I’ve been at WOMADelaide all weekend, a world music and dance festival that Adelaide, Australia hosts.
It’s a time to unleash your inner hippie…
… and do crazy stuff like reveal your innermost secrets in the Tawdry Heartburn Manic Cures hutt (you think I’m making up that name? I’m not making up that name ;))
The Tawdry system kind of works like the Post Secret blog, only instead of sending in a postcard with a confession, regret or thing unsaid, you type away on zany, antique typewriters in the hutt on parchment…
My friend Julia Phipps can keep a secret. Can you? 😉
…pop your secret in a special box…
… and then later your little parchment joins the massive Wall of Secrets.
The thing that struck me was how so many random secrets could be related back to The Vampire Diaries.
Let’s take a look, shall we ? It’ll be pretty obvious which secret is mine to regular Spidey readers 😉
You guys, the original sexy beast wasn’t Damon Salvatore.
Oh no, it all started with The Hoff (AKA David Hasselhoff), a being so truly magnificent the word “The” can’t remain uncapitalised in his presence.
Why does he look so familiar, you ask?
Well, he received equal billing with Pamela Anderson’s boobs on Baywatch!
Ever since Damon’s shower/bath were introduced so that Ian Sexyhalder could appear shirtless “organically” as opposed to “gratuitously” (oh, c’mon writers, just own it, you ain’t fooling anyone!), water has been a big theme on The Vampire Diaries lately.
So, I think it is time we went well and truly Off Like The Hoff in VD Sensory Overload… with a wet t-shirt/dripping wet competition.
Check your ovaries at the door.
To paraphrase Damon, I haven’t gone all pyro on you guys and reflected on his ungodly hotness in … TOO LONG! (OK, I did seven days ago, but do you know how long ago that is in vampire years?)
Anyway, have any of you guys noticed how many phallic weapons Damon gets to hold, or sometimes have torn out of him, on The Vampire Diaries?
Of course you have.
Now that Katherine no longer has a firm hold on Damon’s…
Barely an episode goes by when he isn’t thrusting, poking, prodding, penetrating and otherwise playing with sticks of one kind or another with all kinds of boys and girls.
You know that disappointed feeling you get sometimes, like when Santa neglected to leave the requested Tyler Lockwood or Jeremy Gilbert as a present for you at Christmas time?
The GQ photo of Vampire Diaries trio Trevino, Zach Roerig and Steven R McQueen left me a little cold.
Sure, this picture has a crouching werewolf, hidden sex god, element to it, plus Legal to Lust Over (TM Amy) McQueen arm porn and Roerig’s baby blues working overtime.
But allow Music Sex God to show you what I was expecting…
There’s a whole slideshow to gape over at GQ. Thank Amy from Imaginary Men for the link!
So, I’m going to do GQ’s job for them and show you just how damn good these boys, and, for good measure, the rest of their male castmates, look all suited up.
Disclaimer: I am a normal, well-adjusted fangirl. But I’ll be the first to admit that the torture porn in The Vampire Diaries makes me very happy indeed. Especially because it usually dovetails with torso porn.
Let’s take a step back.
What is torture porn?
Well, in horror films it is a subgenre that focuses on over interest in the vulnerability of the human body, usually through graphic violence.
On The Vampire Diaries, it usually involves a hot guy grunting and getting half-naked, hot and sweaty.
In short, it is a fangirl wet dream.
Let’s look at The Vampire Diaries torture porn hall of fame, shall we?
Blogger pal Amy from Imaginary Men introduced me to a legendary website called James Van Der Memes a little while back.
Basically, it involves The Beek displaying heretofore unseen amounts of awesomeness with hilariously melodramatic GIFs.
It was like the riddle of the Sphinx… how the hell did Dawson become awesome?
I was Livejournal-stalking Damon GIFs (oh come on, like you never have ;)), when I had an epiphany… the James Van Der Memes are so awesome because they are modelled after the Ian Somerhalder School of Acting.
Don’t believe me?
Damon GIFs from Tomorrow Is Another Day.
Poor Steven R McQueen.
He’s 23, but much like his character Jeremy Gilbert on The Vampire Diaries is finding, it’s hard for us to stop thinking of him as a cute kid we’d like to put in our pocket, because of his young puppy appearance in the first season of TVD.
Awesome blogger Amy from Imaginary Men and fellow fangirl Trish even contemplated resurrecting their Dirty Old Lady moniker from fangirling days past, because even though they know Steven is in his 20s and therefore what they call Legal to Lust Over, perving on his youthful cuteness has made them feel a little guilty.
You know, the guilt many of us had over lusting after 16-year-old Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black in New Moon, a movie where he was contractually obligated to appear shirtless in every other scene.
(Though I would argue that his publicist pushed the manmeat angle hard… RollingStone Lautner cover I’m looking at you… so I didn’t feel too bad, but that is a story for another day. Or maybe I’m just a Dirty Young Lady at 23.)
The RPattz sparklepire hair he had at his audition for the Vampire Diaries didn’t help matters.
Fear not, fellow McQueen fans.
He may have made you feel like a Dirty Old Lady in the past, but I’ve taken the liberty to dig up photos and GIFs that prove it should be illegal NOT to lust after him.
Thought I would get your attention straight away with the battering ram equivalent of Legal to Lust Over!
Welcome to my Museum of EuroHotPaulWesley Art!